


The Meeting

by Licoriceallsorts



Category: Before Crisis: Final Fantasy VII, Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Gen, if that bothers you, lots of swearing, the Before Crisis Turks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 06:23:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15504240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Licoriceallsorts/pseuds/Licoriceallsorts
Summary: Prompt: The BC Turks are forced to attend sexual harassment training by 'The Boss'. Set somewhere in the middle of my longfic "Death is Part of the Process".  Bawdy humour was requested: I have done my best.





	The Meeting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [turtlesparadise](https://archiveofourown.org/users/turtlesparadise/gifts).



“This is bullshit,” said Tseng.

He tore his eyes from the document that so appalled and dismayed him, to meet his Chief’s amused gaze. 

“HR have to justify their existence somehow,” said Veld. “I’ve never let them stick their noses into Turk recruitment, and they’ve always resented it. I’m sorry this has fallen into your lap, Tseng.”  He didn’t look sorry.

“You want  _ me _ to deal with this?”

“Obviously, I can’t do it.” Veld chuckled. “An unrepentant old fossil like me? What do I know about modern dating etiquette? In my day, when a man fancied a woman he hit her over the head with his club and dragged her back to his cave. I never had any complaints. But you know how it is. Winds of change. You young people today speak a different language. I’d make a fool of myself, say the wrong thing and embarrass the whole department. It’s precisely for operations like this that I made you my second-in-command. Well? What are you still sitting there for? You know what you have to do.”

.  
  


The email was duly sent, and one by one the Turks made their way to the meeting room. Word of HR’s latest initiative had spread like a new mutation of fungus through the company grapevine. They knew what was up, and their expressions were mutinous. 

Tseng had faced up against dragons in the Nibel mountains. He had bearded the venomous marlboro in its lair. He’d battled terrorists on exploding cargo ships. He was obliged to encounter Professor Hojo on a weekly basis. And he’d never dreaded anything as much as the hour which now lay ahead. 

Mentally he went round the conference table, ticking each name off against the list in his head:

Reno (was his hair  _ bristling _ ?)

Rude the inscrutable.

Mink with her fists of fury. What man in his right mind would even dare? Or, for that matter, what woman? Mink was a very private person, and thus the subject of endless fascinated speculation in the Turks lounge - but only when the gossipers were sure she couldn’t hear. 

Cavour, aka Two-Guns. Tseng wondered if HR would force him to change his nick-name. Once one started down this line of thinking, where did it end?

Tys, aka Rod. Same question, only more so. 

Rosalind the sharpshooter. When was the last time she’d let a man anywhere near her?

Mozo, the ex-private detective from Costa del Sol. Ugly as a golem, oozing enough charm to melt an iceberg. Tsend would be very surprised if  HR had ever received a complaint about Mozo.

Skeeter, their nunchuks expert. Another charmer, his gold tooth flashinb when he smiled. 

Little Aviva, the knife-throwing gymnast. If there was one member of staff Tseng wished he could excuse from this session, she was it. 

Knox, the swordsman from Gongaga. Their one and only married Turk, his relationship with his wife was in serious trouble, probably terminal. Knox fought a daily battle to keep his head above water. Would this meeting be salt in his wounds?

Pony-tailed Hunter. She’d chosen the name herself. Hunter by name and hunter by nature. The kind of woman you could believe cut actual notches on her bed-post. She’d have taken scalps, if the company let her. 

Tseng cleared his throat, straightened his cuffs, and began. “I’ll assume we all know why we’re here.”

Tys immediately went on the offensive. “Do we  _ have _ to do this? Seriously?”

“Let’s not and say we did,” Hunter chimed in. 

Everybody opened their mouths to speak. Tseng held up a hand for silence. “Tempting though your suggestion is, Hunter, this is a company-wide initiative and we cannot expect exceptions to be made. Once I’ve gone through this document with you, there’s a video to watch and then we have to complete a multiple-choice online questionnaire to demonstrate we understand the concepts covered.”

“What if we don’t?” said Two-Guns.

“Don’t understand?” purred Hunter sweetly. “I’ll explain it to you later, babe.”

He pulled a face at her. 

“Any employee who refuses to participate will have their holiday entitlement cut by half.”

“What’s a holiday?” said Mink.

“Holiday,” mused Mozo. “I think I had one of those once. Or maybe it was a takeaway. It’s so long ago I can’t remember.”

“All employees who complete the questionnaire will have their ID numbers entered in a draw to win a two-weeks all-expense paid trip to Turtle’s Paradise.” Tseng couldn’t quite believe he was being forced to say these words. 

“Free booze?” said Skeeter. “Count me in, Boss. Let’s skip the lecture and go straight to the quiz. We can still enter the draw if we fail, right?”

“Oh for heaven’s sake,” Rosalind exclaimed, “It’s not Tseng’s fault he has to do this. Let’s just do it and get it over with.”

“Where’s Charlie?” said Reno. “How come the Legend’s not here? If anyone needs to be here, it’s Mr Love-em-and-leave-em. Fucking sexual harassment is his middle name.”

“Look who’s talking,” sneered Hunter.

“Yeah,” Reno shot back, “Look who’s talking. Takes one to know one, huh?”

She leaned back in her chair, smirking smugly. “Did you actually mean to say that to come out the way it sounded?”

Tseng brought them both into line with a look. “I will not permit this to degenerate into a mutual recrimination session. I’m sure if we search our consciences we can all think of something in our pasts that we regret.“

“Even  _ you _ , sir?” asked Aviva. 

A girl’s bright smile, her dazzling green eyes, the scent of flowers, flashed through his thoughts and were instantly suppressed.  Tseng subjected the entire table to a murderous look. 

 

“I don’t want to be here all day. Let’s begin. I’m going to read from the handbook. You all have a copy in front of you. Turn to page three. “ Consent is when someone agrees, gives permission, or says "yes" to sexual activity with other persons. Consent is always freely given and all people in a sexual situation must feel that they are able to say "yes" or "no" or stop the sexual activity at any point. Consent is not valid if the person is subjected to threats or coercion - “

“Cough, cough, Hunter,” Reno murmured.

“Oh baby, that’s not coercion, that’s role-play,” she smiled. “You wouldn’t believe how many guys are hot for this suit.”

“Really?” said Rosalind, surprised. 

“To continue. ‘Consent cannot be validly given by a person who is drunk, intoxicated or otherwise incapacitated -’ “

“But what if  _ I’m _ drunk?” said Two-Guns.

“Then I suppose you would have grounds for a complaint.”

“What if we’re both drunk?” said Skeeter.

“What if you’re so drunk you can’t remember what happened,” said Tys, “And somebody says you hooked up but you’ve only got their word for it?”

Mozo laughed. “What if everybody’s drunk and it’s an orgy? Hypothetically speaking, of course. That’s absolutely categorically not a thing that’s ever happened to me, ever, and anybody who says different is a liar.”

Hunter raised her hand. “Sir, I object.”

“Why?” said Tseng.

“These rules are discriminatory against Reno.”

“Don’t ask,” Rude murmured to his partner. But Reno couldn’t help himself. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“If he’s not allowed to get a woman cross-eyed drunk before he shags her, he’d never get laid at all.”

“Enough!” Tseng hadn’t meant to shout. He shouldn’t need to raise his voice. Every time he did, he felt, a little of his authority crumbled away. But Hunter had a gift for trying everybody’s patience. 

“If I hear one more word out of you,” he said, “I’ll be writing a formal reprimand. Now shut up and listen, unless you want to be scubbing toilets for the next month.”

Hunter sank down into her seat, scowling at Reno, who scowled right back. Tseng and Veld had never managed to get to the bottom of the animosity between those two. Hunter, when asked, had said,  _ He always rubs me up the wrong way. He does it on purpose to get a rise out of me.  _ Reno, more succinctly, had explained,  _ I just don’t fucking like her.  _

Having re-established his command of the room, Tseng proceeded to the next item. “Consent should not be assumed. If you are unsure, it is important to clarify what your partner feels about the sexual situation before initiating or continuing the sexual activity.”

Mozo groaned under his breath.

“This is  _ important, _ ” Rosalind rebuked him.

“I know, Roz, I know. I know. It’s just - do they have to make it sound like you’re sitting in the dentist’s chair? I’m going to give you an injection now, okay? Let me know if it hurts, okay? I’m going to start drilling now - “

“Oh god, please, stop!” cried Two-Guns. “The mental image! I have dental phobia.”

“If I may continue,” said Tseng. “ ‘One should never assume, from the way a person dresses, smiles, looks or acts, that they want to have sex with you.’ ”

“What if she’s giving me a lap-dance, sir?” said Tys.

“No,” said Tseng.

“What if she’s giving me head, sir?” Tys persisted.

“I think the message here is that it never hurts to ask.”

“What if she says straight out, 'I want to have sex with you'?”

“That’s consent, you dumb fuck,” said Two-Guns.

“What if we’re dancing down at the Dual-Horn and he’s wearing assless leather chaps and a gimp mask, sir?” said Skeeter.

“Why are you doing this to me?” said Tseng.

“They’re just being stupid,” said Rosalind. “Boys, grow up. Please, go on, sir.”

“ ‘Simply because two or more people are dating or have had sex in the past does not mean that they are consenting to have sex with you.’ “

“See, Rude,” Reno exclaimed theatrically, “You gotta stop pestering me. I told you, it’s over, man.”

Hunter rolled her eyes.  Aviva, astonished, looked from Reno to Rude and back again. 

Knox leaned over and whispered to her, “He’s joking.”

“Oh - “

Was it Tseng’s imagination, or did Aviva look a little  _ disappointed _ ?

He shook off that thought and went on, “ ‘Even in marriage, a person should not assume they have consent for sexual activity -’”

The colour drained from Knox’s face. Against his white cheek the scars stood out a livid red. Both wounds were still pretty fresh. Nobody knew where to look. They all fell silent.

“I’m sorry, Knox,” said Tseng. “I should have thought - “

“It’s okay, sir. Just - let’s go on.”

Tseng riffled through the pages. “There’s much more, but it’s all in the same vein. Let's see. If you turn to page twenty-five, you’ll find a list of specific instances of policy infractions.”

“But, but, sir - “ Aviva sounded bewildered - “I don’t understand. If this is a new policy, how can we have already, um, infracted it?”

“They’re examples of things we shouldn’t do any more,” said Mink. “Not that you ever did any of them, I’m sure, Veev.”

“No names are attached to these examples. I’d ask you to refrain from guessing. Number one, persistent and intimidating stares - “

“Rude!” they chorused. 

“Ah, come on,” Reno protested. “They can’t even tell what the big guy’s looking at behind those specs.”

“I’m looking at their asses,” Rude rumbled.

“Hooray!” cried Skeeter and Two-Guns.

Reno didn’t miss a beat, “Well if you’re look at their asses then they must have their back to you, right? So how can they see what you’re looking at?  C’mon, Tseng, this is a stitch-up.”

“Moving right along,” said Tseng, “Number two, demanding that someone justify their refusal to date you -”

“I don’t see what’s wrong with that,” Tys protested. “If I was harassing her, sure, that would be wrong, but I wasn’t being aggressive about it." 

“We’re  _ Turks _ , bro,” said Skeeter. “If we fucking  _ breathe _ too close to someone, it scares the shit out of them.”

"I'm aware. Honest to god, I was just politely asking. Like I literally said, ‘Excuse me, do you mind me asking why?’ How is that offensive? I mean, If you never get feedback, how are you gonna improve?”

“It’s not a woman’s job to fix your hook-up technique,” said Mink.

“I never said it was. I’m just saying - “

“She doesn’t have to give you a reason,” Rosalind told him firmly.

“I  _ know _ that. I get it. It’s just - I mean - it would be helpful if she did. Is wanting to learn how to treat a woman a crime now? Cause if it is - then yeah, guilty as charged.”

Across the table, Hunter silently mouthed the word  _ L-O-S-E-R. _

“Let’s go on, sir,” said Mink. 

“Item three: repeated egregious sexual innuendo.”

Hunter made a odd choking sound.

“Do you have something to say?” Tseng asked her.

She nodded vigorously. 

“Permission to speak granted.”

Hunter sucked in a mouthful of air, as if she’d been holding her breath all this time. “I know what this is about. That wench said she’d report me. Those Urban Development interns are a bunch of fucking pussies, sir.”

“What did you say to them, Hunt?” Tys was clearly relieved she'd drawn the spotlight away from him.

“Okay. So. I was down at the Goblins, _ by myself _ , because you guys had all buggered off somewhere and forgot to tell me, and they come in together moving in synch like a school of preppy fucking sardines, and they ask if they can sit at our table.”

“ _ Our _ table?” said Skeeter.

“Yeah, the Goblins was kinda crowded. I told them to fuck off. I don’t wanna have to sit there watching them drink their prissy cocktails and listening to them bleat on about their essay deadlines and their GPAs and their weekends at daddy’s beach-house. So that perky one who always wears pastel twin-sets - what’s her name? Holly? Polly? - she says ‘But there’s nowhere else to sit,’ and I said, honey, if you need somewhere to sit you can sit on my face.”

“Hehe,” Mozo snicked.

“Pretty smooth, right? But she’s like, oh my, bring me my smelling salts, and this boy with floppy hair says to me , ‘that was uncalled-for’, and I said to him, you know what else is uncalled-for? Your sad lonely dick. And he says, ‘You should apologise for that,’ and I said, Your dick should apologise to every woman you’ve ever slept with. And he said, ‘We asked you a courteous question, why are you so rude?’ and I said, I guess I was born that way, like your tragically small dick. And then I said, Look, do you want me to go on, ‘cause I can keep it up all night, which is more than I can say for your dick.”

“Tseng’s laughing!” Aviva cried. 

“See, Boss? Even  _ you _ think it’s funny. Those UrbDev assholes are so up themselves they can’t even take a joke. I didn’t think she’d actually report me. That’s so lame.”

“ _ Even  _ me?” said Tseng. 

“Sir,” said Rosalind, “The time. You have a meeting with Director Scarlet at ten.”

“All right. Let’s wrap this up. There’s only two more items. Number four: threats of bodily harm - “

“Ulp,” squeaked Aviva.

All eyes turned on her. 

“Ah, no,” Reno groaned. “C’mon, Boss.  _ Veev _ ?”

“No, it’s true,” she said. “I was in the canteen having lunch and this guy from Educational Outreach sat down across from me and we started talking. We had a nice chat. Then when we were finished he said he’d take my tray for me and I said okay and we got up and I was just leaving when I felt a hand on my shoulder and I just, I just - don’t make me say it.”

“ _ She pulled a knife on me, _ ” Tseng read from the page, “ _ And told me that if I touched her again I was dead.” _

“It was a reflex,” said Aviva miserably. “I’m sorry. He was really a nice guy. I apologised to him straight away.”

“What the fuck was he doing sneaking up behind you anyway?” Reno demanded. “Moron.”

“He just wanted to give me my PHS back. I left it on the tray.”

Mink said scathingly, “Sir, by what stretch of the imagination is that an incident of sexual harassment? If anything,  _ he _ was the one who  _ touched  _ her.”

“Do we have to keep talking about it?” Aviva squirmed miserably. 

“No,” said Tseng. “Mink’s right. I’m crossing it out. Just be more careful next time. Your PHS should be on your person at all times. If it’s not in your hand, it’s in your pocket. Hunter, don’t. All right, last item.”

The assembled Turks gave a weary cheer.

“ ‘Solicitation of sexual activity through false representations and promises’.”

They looked at each other, momentarily baffled. 

“You mean - ?”

“Like - ?”

“Promising to call and then not calling?”

“There’s quite a list,” said Tseng. “I’m not sure which is more reprehensible: our department’s venality in matters of the flesh, or the willingness of these complainants to sell themselves so cheaply. Allow me to read them out to you. ‘He said he could get me Sephiroth’s signature’. ‘He promised I could meet Sephiroth’.  ‘She swore she’d give me a lock of Sephiroth’s hair.’ ‘I was offered a donut Sephiroth had bitten into.’” Tseng raised an eyebrow. “Really, somebody here should be ashamed of themselves. I never thought you could sink so long. Come on now, confess. Which of you has been shagging members of the Silver Elite fan club?” 

They looked at each other. For a few seconds, nobody moved.  

Reno’s hand slowly went up -

“Did I even need to ask?” Tseng sighed rhetorically.

Mozo’s hand followed suit. One by one Two-Guns, Tys, Rude, Hunter, Skeeter, Mink, Knox, and finally Aviva raised their hands in the air, until only Rosalind was left.

“Veev!” Reno high-fived her. “I’m so proud of you, baby girl!”

Rosalind didn’t approve. “Sir, they’re not taking it seriously any more.”

“Well, to be fair,” said Tseng, “They weren’t taking it seriously to start with.”

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Views expressed by the characters are not necessarily shared by the author.
> 
> Source: The handbook quotes are taken from the University of Michigan's Sexual Assault Prevention and Awareness webpage. I thought this site was very well written. You can find it here: https://sapac.umich.edu/article/49


End file.
